I’ve been thinking about my dad. It is four years since he left us, and I had the odd experience of being there when he died. I guess it is one of those experiences that, if you’ve been there, is one that sticks with you. And how you react is your own unique moment. It is your own personal experience.

Like many things in life, you go through times where it felt like yesterday or a lifetime ago. I continue to feel both.

I have the power source, his ring (see below). It was in bad shape when I got it. The bottom was broken, it was a little rough around the edges, and it needed some rebuilding and TLC. So I brought it to Birks and had them put it back to showroom condition. It cost a lot but it was worth it. It was his ring. It is a tangible thing I can wear when I need more power. When I need a boost. And when I need to remember.

I don’t have much more. I own the old address sign on the house. My mom saved it for me.

Oh and let’s not forget I have a recording of a conversation I had with my dad just a day before he slipped into a coma-like state. Where he tells me I am a beautiful son. Where he has come to realize that his “number is being called.”

On this fourth anniversary of his death I will, as usual, raise a glass to him with my mom. I will pay homage to the 14 Alderbury Crescent sign in my guitar room. I will play his voice recording. And I will raise my fist and the power ring into the air. And I will feel his presence as he sends shock waves through the ring like a lightening strike.
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And I shall repeat for all my years.

I feel like I have been reduced to
A piece of paper
With nothing on it
Waiting for someone
To pick me up
Write all over me
Throw me away
 
Or fold me up
Into a paper plane
That’s ideal
And toss me
Into the breeze
 
Where I’d make it
Over a reflecting lake
Of gold
To the other side
Where no one will
Sink me or make me
Panic in the water
 
And like a leaf
I would float
And change colour
In autumn scenes
And a million
Friends all floating
Cascading through the sky
Like a line of birds
Or the cast of stars
No sound, so silent
As I land softly
On the other side
 
I would have made it
Over a reflecting lake
Of gold
To the other side
Where no one will
Sink me or make me
Panic in the water
 
Then I could break down
On the other side
Where I would crawl back
Into my self, fall apart
And reemerge
As a tree
Whose leaves will change colours
In autumn scenes and
Float like a line of birds
Or a balloon
Caught by the wind
And moving ever so silent
Back across

Over a reflecting lake
Of gold
 
Anew.

As time moves on, and my father's birthday appears just a few days away I am reminded of the blue butterfly, pictured here,  that I encountered just after my dad died. I was walking down a path and it was sitting on the ground waiting for me. Then, as I approached it, the blue butterfly became airborn, and flew circles around me, flap flap flap, then dropped to the ground in front of me. Then it took off again, across the creek and away into the world to visit someone else whose heart was broken. To bring joy and hope. Transformation and change.

Here's what I read about the blue butterfly:

"Butterflies in general have many meanings within different cultures, with the most common being symbols for life, love, change or rebirth. Butterflies are also popularly thought to symbolize a person's essence, or soul, either past, present or future. The color blue in a butterfly is often thought to symbolize joy, color or a change in luck. Sometimes a blue butterfly is viewed as a wish granter."

I wrote this poem.

A chance encounter with a blue butterfly

There was a blue butterfly
Waiting for me on the path
To speak to me about transformation and change

It was blue, yes, but blue? No
For it was busy flying around me
In a circle of life surrounding me embracing me
 
There was a blue butterfly
That spoke to me about hope
Before winging itself away like the wind and a sail
 
There was a blue butterfly
Waiting for me on the path
To speak to me about transformation and change

I had the great honour of speaking at an event last week, into Lloydminster by private plane and back in the evening. I got to sit in the front beside Mark the pilot. All the way to Lloydminster we shared stories of being scared and how we enjoy the process. He as a teenager learning to fly, bungee jumping, and parachuting, and his next challenge to become a stunt pilot. In fact he offered to fly me back to Edmonton upside down if wanted. I told him I'd like to occupy the seat beside him when he becomes a stunt pilot. Now that would be exhilarating.

My scared moments were a bit less intense from his, though he did say what I have done would scare him too. That is of performing in front of a crowd. In my case public speaking, and performing as a singer in the Edmonton Singing Christmas Tree. We did bond on bungee jumping since both of us jumped at WEM.

Here is a photo or two from the 2017 Edmonton Singing Christmas Tree performance. That's me in the tuxedo.

I take my Fitbit very seriously like many owners. You set a goal—in my case 12,000 steps per day—and you aim to get there or well past it by the time you are calling it a night. Some days you kill it. Some days it beats you. But for the most part you get there, and in a few cases you double your goal.
 
Other physical fitness has not been as big of a priority until now. In February I was watching a YouTube video about the proper form for a push up. The buff dude in the video not only showed you how to do it, he also challenged viewers to commit to something. The challenge? To do push ups every day, three sets, as many as you can. Then watch from month to month as you make some progress.

Here is my first month, starting with an astonishingly terrible total of 21 push ups, including one round of nine, and two rounds of six. Sad. But you have to start somewhere. Now a few months later I’m doing 100. Today was an incredible day, getting to forty in my first round, which is a personal best.
 
In the past few months I’ve added more to the process, including biceps and triceps, daily two minute plank, ankle touch crunches and other crunches, and a few other things to keep it interesting.

Here is my latest monthly chart in progress, including daily 100 push ups.
 
We are joking that we need a beach body for an upcoming trip. But one thing is for sure. I have a stronger body, and I’ve oddly enjoyed following my own plan. Now if only I can get rid of my gut!

Our office is doing a little team building experiment. Create a video about your life. No restrictions, other than you need to keep it short. Today I presented mine.

I thought I'd stick a song I wrote and recorded in my basement with the video. Ironically the name of the song, All over the place, is reflective of what I cover on the video...

I had this crazy idea for 2017. Spark conversation. With real people. In person. Live.
 
I had such a conversation this week with my friend Cat. Cat’s husband is a great guy who serves on a business board with me.
 
What happens at a live conversation where we are not on our phones or sidetracked? Well that is easy. Inspiration. Lots of inspiration. Interesting avenues to drive down. And I came back to my office buzzing with an idea for a client. In other words, you feel alive.
 
That’s because we had what Carl Jung called a transformational occurrence. Here’s the Jung quote: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
 
In one hour we covered parenting (making kids work for and pay for their stuff means they will actually appreciate it more and take care of it), business blogs, podcasts, cancer, not for profits, music, IT, and Latin. Not bad.
 
The iPhone is 10 years old. My former business partner got each of us one on the first day. I feel like I have had several (mostly because I either break them or leave them on the roof of my car). And of course the iPhone and all the other “smart” devices have changed our lives. Last thing to look at before bed? iPad/iPhone. First thing to look at when I wake up. Same.

 I believe the iPhone launch was a pivotal moment in our lives, mine included of course. All one billion iPhones manufactured to date have changed us. Some of it for good (like oh Google Maps for instance) and some not so good (like our inability to communicate in real life).
 
I heard on CBC today that there is a movement. A radical movement, where people meet with other people to talk. Not joking. People talking to people. There is a rule. No technology turned on. Just talking to another person. What a revolutionary idea.
 
It does seem that in ways we have become advanced. And there is another movement that harkens us back to an earlier day (eating clean, beards, book clubs, playing board games).
 
And here I am using technology to talk about meeting with people in person… What is the world coming to…

As a Canadian, a somewhat informed Canadian, I have been watching our world fall apart. We've been scared, terrorism, "ordinary" people attacking strangers, a new President of the United States that has run a campaign of fear, hate and intollerance, a style that appears to have crossed our border. A global economy that is holding our province hostage. Greed. There was a time in history where leaders were revered and respected. And then someone posts this opening scene for episode one of The Newsroom. Watch this and ask yourself, how are we going to get out from under all this?

I was at a meeting with a client and he said something that I will never forget. He said, "our company was built on quality. But now we can't play that card any more if we are going to survive." Wow. To survive is to lose your core values. To survive you are going to put your customers in jeopardy as this client was. Wow.

I am a huge fan of Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth series. He said all you have to do is watch the news to know we are in trouble.. That was 1988. And he said everyone needs a place to go. To be alone. To do the things they want to do. And hour. Away from everything. But really no one can do that any more. Not even close. No one can shut down. That would mean they would have to talk to people or be aware of their surroundings. No. A 10 second wait results in a smart phone being taken out. We. Can't. Help. Ourselves.

We've been to restaurants where a couple is out for dinner, both with smart phones out, communicating with people who are not there. That is so romantic...

I have come to grips with something. Begrudgingly. It is a fact I am old, and the people I thought were old when I was young are now dying. It is sad. I am seeing so many people, myself included, who have lost a parent lately. If you are my age your parents are getting older. And the same realization is probably on your mind too.
 
Mellissa shared this video with me and it really was an emotional thing for me. The unraveling of a life and the attempt of all of us to hold on. Or to let go.

I remember saying goodbye to my dad after everyone left his viewing room. I played his favourite song on my iPhone and I talked to him. What a Wonderful World. I said goodbye, I walked out the room and slowly closed the door as I looked at him. I walked down the stairs in a sort of bewilderment, got to the bottom of the stairs where my mom waited for me. I said to my mom, sorry but I’m not done.
 
I ran back up the stairs, opened the door (he was still there), I told him I was kidding, I was not finished. I kissed him on the forehead, held his hand, and told him that he will always be with me. Then I left.
 
Today my dad’s urn lives in my basement music room. I kiss the urn goodbye most days on the way to work, and when I’m playing guitar by myself I play for him and myself.
 
He seems at home there. He was a music man. The life of the party. The guy with a burned down cigarette in the ashtray, a crazy hat on his head and a pot to play bongos on between his legs. He played the stereo on top volume, mumbled the words he knew, and stuttered about what song to play next.
 
Saying goodbye to someone you love is a life long endeavor as I have realized. Mellissa said there is no textbook to follow. There is no grieving period. It goes on. The only thing I want to do is remember.